November 30, 2010

Oh, Eric Roberts (Volume II - Merrick Robertson)

As I've mentioned before, I have some pretty sweet connections who frequently hook me up with all of the latest Eric Roberts gossip. Rather than just keep it to myself, I like to do the world and favor and let them know what I know. It's only fair. Well, late last night I got yet another email from my Eric Roberts source of another transcript of a phone conversation he had with his agent yesterday afternoon. The following is that transcript:

Agent: Hello?

Eric Roberts: [sneezing]

Agent: Ow! Can you try not to sneeze into the phone please?

ER: Sorry, man. Aw snot! Look at all this snot! It's your boy, ER.

Agent: Hello, Eric.

ER: Hold on a secco, I gotta go find a jar.

Agent: A jar?

ER: Yeah, for the --

Agent: You know what? I don't want to know.

ER: Fair enough.

Agent: So, Eric, why are you calling me today?

ER: You know me too well, bro.

Agent: I'm still not a man, Eric, and I never guessed about why you're calling me. I only asked why you were.

ER: Yeah, but you knew I was calling you.

Agent: Only because you introduced yourself when you called. My caller ID would normally tell me who was calling, but your number changes every time you call.

ER: Well, the government.

Agent: 'The government' what?

ER: Exactly. They're always up in my snot, wanting to know my business.

Agent: I don't think that's true, Eric.

ER: Oh yeah? Then why are they sending me all of these news stories that taunt me?

Agent: What are you talking about?

ER: Well I was just reading on the computer that I'm not hosting the Academy Awards. Why is that?

Agent: Well they decided to go with James Franco and Anne Hathaway.

Eric: The kids from October Sky?

Agent: Oh boy. Here we go again.

ER: What?

Agent: Those two weren't even in October Sky. It seems like half of the times you call me you want to discuss October Sky.

ER: Well why wouldn't I? It's a damn fine movie. I get so snotted up whenever I watch it.

Agent: I know.

ER: Were you ever able to sell the sequel script that I wrote?

Agent: For the last time, Eric, no one seems to be interested in 'November Nights.'

ER: I don't see why not.

Agent: Well, first of all, no one really wants to see a movie about, "A man's struggles with the month of November in Coaltown, USA 1972."

ER: It took me six weeks to think of that tagline.

Agent: Yes, but it doesn't mean anything.

ER: It means that I hate November. 1972 was a whole year of Novembers for me.

Agent: See, like that right there, what you just said. It makes no sense.

ER: Yeah, but the main character is tops. You can't deny that.

Agent: Merrick Robertson? All he does is quote lines from the movie Entrapment, which I might add, was still 27 years away from its release date in 1972.

ER: Merrick was ahead of his time.

Agent: Is this the same Merrick who called cars "demons?"

ER: You just don't understand symbolism. The cars represent November personified as cars. Gets the snot turnin' in your brain when you think about it, you know? But anyway, though, the Oscars. I want to host them.

Agent: It's too late for that.

ER: How about this - what if I co-host them with Mercedes Ruehl?

Agent: Mercedes Ruehl?

ER: That's right. Did you ever notice that we kinda look exactly alike? That's the opening number right there. We can sing a song about how she's the man-me and I'm the lady-her. Then throughout the telecast we can keep referencing how we kinda look like the other-us and there can be a dance number where we both dress up as me and dance with mirrors. There should also be an artist on stage who draws our identical facial expressions for the whole show. At the end of the night we can have like a thousand portraits of us that we can sell to the audience. For the grand finale, I propose that we both shave our heads, grab a gun, and run into the special fun house full of wacky mirrors that they built especially for this occasion. Whoever shoots the other one wins a lifetime achievement Oscar. If we both survive, then I propose we remake Face/Off.

Agent: Yeah . . . um, ok. I'll ask them about it first thing in the morning. I really have to go now, Eric.

ER: Hold on. Tell them that I require plenty of grapes. Green ones. I assume Mercedes will need the same, but make sure that I have slightly more grapes than her.

Agent hangs up

ER: I really think this is a good idea. Before you go, I have a story I want to tell you:

I knew this guy once who went to college, named Dan. Dan was from Denver, Colorado. I called him Danver. Anyway, one day we were walking down a street in the city and we saw this woman passing out flyers for some psychic reading place that also sold plants. Green ones. I forget what the name was, but when we passed by, Dan the Manver asked this lady for one of the flyers. She gave him one and we kept walking. About two blocks later I looked over at Danver Bronco and asked him, "hey, do you ever intend on going into that place?" He stopped in his tracks, turned to me and said, "no, I never intend on going into that place." We then went to a frame shoppe and had that flyer framed. I never saw Danver again. We had some good times though. He bought me this watch. Hello? You're a good dude, man. Remember that. MERRICK OUT!!!

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