December 24, 2010

The Jeff Goldblum of the Week Award (12/20-12/24)

And the Weekly Jeff Goldblum of the Week Award, a weekly award that will go to the person, animal, or anything else that best exemplifies the awesomeness of Jeff Goldblum that week, goes to......

......Our Weird Duet of White Christmas with Taylor Swift!

I am deeply sorry for this, but Merry Whatever, everyone!!!

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December 17, 2010

The Jeff Goldblum of the Week Award (12/13-12/17)

And the Weekly Jeff Goldblum of the Week Award, a weekly award that will go to the person, animal, or anything else that best exemplifies the awesomeness of Jeff Goldblum that week, goes to......

This past Monday, I had the pleasure of heading down to MTV HQ in Times Square with some other fans to watch a press screening of MTV's remake of the popular British series, Skins. While there, we received a signed copy of the first script by both original, and American creator, Bryan Elsley, and got to watch both the first and fifth episodes of the series that premieres on MTV on January 17th. It was a great day all in all (then later got much better when Cliff Lee signed with the Phillies), and as a fan of the original series and of TV in general, let me take a long time to tell you why I think this remake will work and be worth your time.

Remaking successful shows from other countries for American television is a tricky thing (not the best sentence, but I'm lazy). Actually, just creating a successful show in the first place is a tricky thing, unless of course it's a show on CBS, where any stupid idea someone comes up with is a (s)hit that runs for 10 years. There are always many factors as to why some shows do well and why others don't in terms of audience or critical reception, but a lot of times it really just comes down to luck. Some shows just seem to come along at the right time and change the landscape (Lost), while others take us to a certain place and show us the potential of the medium (Mad Men), or just fill a sickening, sugary hole that we didn't know needed filling (Glee*, ugh).

Remakes are a whole different animal, though. Throughout the history of scripted television there have been many attempts at remaking or adapting other shows from different places in America, and few have worked. Let's take a look at two recent American remakes of British tv shows (one that worked, and one that didn't) and I'll show you my formula for why I think that MTV's version of Skins will work.

1. The Office: This one has clearly worked, but why? Well, first of all, let's look at the setting. Recent studies have shown that 415% of people all across the globe work in offices. Another poll shows us that 823% of humans living or dead like things that relate to them. Also, people like comedy. While many of us might agree that the US version of The Office didn't really hit it's stride until its 2nd season, the first shortened season of just six episodes really laid the groundwork of what the show would become. Sure, the pilot was pretty much identical word for word with the British pilot (much like the Skins remake is on MTV), but in the other episodes the show was able to move past the original series and develop its own identity, even though the characters all had their blueprints. As for the characters, The US Office did a great job with casting mostly unkowns. This way, the characters felt more authentic and it was very believable that these people could work at a paper factory in Scranton, PA.

2. Life On Mars: The original Life On Mars is one of my favorite series of all time, American or otherwise. It was a perfect little gem of a series that only lasted for two seasons and told its story of a modern detective in a coma traveling back in time to 1973 and teaming up with other detectives to solve crimes and figure out if all of this was happening or was in his head. It had a start and a finish, but most of all, it had charm. British charm. Imagine if Mad Men was a British detective show in the early 70s. It's a great idea. People like to cite the writing and acting of Mad Men as to why it's so great, but for a lot of people, they just like that they're being transported back in time and seeing odd salt shakers they might remember from their youth, or some old timey hat or telephone. This is what Life On Mars had going for it, and on top of that it was decidedly British, much more than The Office (though many have complained that they can't get into because they don't understand anything that's being said). So why didn't ABC's remake of a couple years ago work? Well, first of all, we had seen much of the cast before, whether it was Michael Imperioli or Harvey Keitel or Gretchen Mol. While they are all fine actors, on of my theories why remakes need a largely unkown cast is because we already know the characters, so it helps if we aren't pigeonholed into seeing well-known actors play their own obvious versions of the new ones. If characters are going to stay the same, you need fresh faces and different takes. Another reason why this didn't work is because we already had Mad Men and we don't need to go to the 60s and the 70s.

I think I hear what you're saying at this point - "Ok, well I understand your character/actor-freshness theory, but isn't Skins just going to be like other teen drama on tv, kinda like how Coupling didn't work cause it was a Friends ripoff?"

Well, I hear you, but this is where things change completely. Teen dramas historically have a very short shelf-life. Teen shows are only really interesting when they first start out and the characters are in high school. Then they're strong and fun for one or two years (see The OC, Gossip Girl), but things start to get stale and they run out of storylines, and then the characters separate and go off to college, or magically stay in the same town. The original Skins has found a way around this and managed to keep things interesting by getting rid of its characters every two seasons so the setting stays the same, not the characters. I have no reason to believe that (if it makes it this far) this one be the same in MTV's version.

So now finally, let's talk about the remake and what I saw. First of all, Skins is nothing like any other teen show on tv aside from the fact that it involves teenagers. While they do more or less party every week, it's not some lame costume party or some charity benefit. These kids party like I'm assuming really teenagers party these days. In terms of television realism, think more of The Wire than Gossip Girl. Also, like I said before, even though the first episode is almost exactly the same, the second episode is completely different and introduces a character not in the original series. Also, while the 5th episode deals with some of the same things that the original did, it has a different take on things and stands on its own, which from what I've seen will make this American version more like The US Office.

While I recognized storylines and characters in the Skins remake, I saw them as their own characters, much like I did with The Office. I was nothing more than reminded of the original Skins version, and many times I even went as far as forgetting it because I was so involved in what I was watching on the screen. The actors and the writers have done much more than just "Americanize" Skins - they've appeared to make it their own thing and have shown signs that they will separate from the original and just use the blueprint of the characters to tell new and different stories. I get the feeling it'll be more of an adaptation than a straight up remake.

So I'm gonna watch it, and I think you should too, even if you've seen the original before. If you feel differently after two episodes, then oh well, but give it a shot. It's not your typical MTV show.

For a longer look, go to

*it should be noted that I've never seen more than one minute of Glee and that I hate it

December 15, 2010

In the Next Parliament

A few months ago, YouTube introduced a new feature in some of its uploaded videos where it transcribes the audio and makes closed-captions. Since it's still in the process of being tweaked, it rarely works but often produces hilarious results. Up until last week, I had never noticed that any of my videos had this feature as an option. Well, as it so happens, a couple of my videos now have this feature and I went ahead and took some screencaps so you could see the weird and totally wrong results. So let's have some fun with YouTube's Transcribe Audio shall we?

Here's the video again. Click on the "CC" button and then select "Transcribe Audio" to see for yourselves on this video, or any other. It's worth it for a couple minutes at least.

For a longer look, go to

December 10, 2010

The Jeff Goldblum of the Week Award (12/6-12/10)

And the Weekly Jeff Goldblum of the Week Award, a weekly award that will go to the person, animal, or anything else that best exemplifies the awesomeness of Jeff Goldblum that week, goes to......

......Salsa Dog! Clearly.

Maybe it's just because I'm lazy and don't want to put any effort into deciding this week's winner, or maybe it's because I'd be doing the world a disservice by not honoring Salsa Dog, but here we are anyway, so let's accept it and move on. Congratulations, Salsa Dog. The only person that could've beaten you this week was Man Getting Hit By Football. It really does work on a lot of levels.

December 7, 2010

Previously on Gossip Girl (Dan and Serena)


This brand new feature is called Previously on Gossip Girl and basically what it is is me showing you a clip of what I hear whenever I watch an episode of Gossip Girl. Some pretty deep stuff over here. Enjoy!

I can't seem to embed it for whatever reason, so go watch it here.

For a longer look, go to

December 3, 2010

The Jeff Goldblum of the Week Award (11/29-12/3)

And the Weekly Jeff Goldblum of the Week Award, a weekly award that will go to the person, animal, or anything else that best exemplifies the awesomeness of Jeff Goldblum that week, goes to......

......armless wonder, Aron Ralston!

Earlier this week a story hit the internet about how two Oklahoma women attempted to steal $26,000 worth of TJ Maxx merchandise by stuffing it in their body fat. Well, what you didn't hear about this modern day Fat Bonnie and Slightly Fatter Bonnie was that Aron Ralston (seen below terrifying small Jewish children) was the one who captured them.

For those of you who don't know Aron Ralston, he's the man who famously got caught beneath a boulder and had to cut his own arm off to save his life. His heroic story inspired the film, 127 Hours, which is now playing and causing people all over the country to faint and vomit all over the place. Here is a picture of Ralston with the star of 127 Hours (as well as the upcoming sequel to October Sky called November Nights), James Franco.

It is right now that I'd like to warn those people out there who did actually get sick while watching those scenes in 127 Hours, because the story of how he captured the Fat Roll Thieves is quite possibly more disgusting.

Aron Ralston was in Aisle 8 of TJ Maxx looking for a nice pair of Isotoner Glove when he noticed Shmeco Thomas stuffing a pair of boots into her fleshy torso. Once Ralston realized that something bigger was at play, he snuck up behind Shmeco and reached for one of the boots being placed into her back fat. It was at this time that Shmeco released her fat and it came flying down, trapping Ralston's remaining left arm inside of the thief. Despite Ralston's pleas and constant wriggling, Shmeco went about her business stuffing more items into herself without even noticing that a one-armed man was trapped inside of her.

After around 25 minutes of trying to break free, Ralston decided once again that the only way he'd both survive this ordeal and capture this boulder of a thief was to bite off his remaining arm. It took almost the whole afternoon, but this is exactly what Ralston was able to accomplish right as Shmeco and her accomplice, Ailene Brown, got back to the parking lot and removed their tandem motorcycles hidden inside their upper thighs.

Unfortunately for Aron Ralston, his arm was crushed so badly that they weren't able to reattach it to his body. As a consolation prize, TJ Maxx let him keep the surprisingly resilient pair of boots wedged into Shmeco's back fat, as well as the left-handed Isostoner glove that Ralston intended to buy, though he now has no use for it.

It's a sad, but once again heroic story for poor Aron Ralston. On the plus side, it looks like James Franco will be getting even more work as he will be reprising his role as Ralston in 2013's, 527 Pounds.

For a longer look, go to

November 30, 2010

Oh, Eric Roberts (Volume II - Merrick Robertson)

As I've mentioned before, I have some pretty sweet connections who frequently hook me up with all of the latest Eric Roberts gossip. Rather than just keep it to myself, I like to do the world and favor and let them know what I know. It's only fair. Well, late last night I got yet another email from my Eric Roberts source of another transcript of a phone conversation he had with his agent yesterday afternoon. The following is that transcript:

Agent: Hello?

Eric Roberts: [sneezing]

Agent: Ow! Can you try not to sneeze into the phone please?

ER: Sorry, man. Aw snot! Look at all this snot! It's your boy, ER.

Agent: Hello, Eric.

ER: Hold on a secco, I gotta go find a jar.

Agent: A jar?

ER: Yeah, for the --

Agent: You know what? I don't want to know.

ER: Fair enough.

Agent: So, Eric, why are you calling me today?

ER: You know me too well, bro.

Agent: I'm still not a man, Eric, and I never guessed about why you're calling me. I only asked why you were.

ER: Yeah, but you knew I was calling you.

Agent: Only because you introduced yourself when you called. My caller ID would normally tell me who was calling, but your number changes every time you call.

ER: Well, the government.

Agent: 'The government' what?

ER: Exactly. They're always up in my snot, wanting to know my business.

Agent: I don't think that's true, Eric.

ER: Oh yeah? Then why are they sending me all of these news stories that taunt me?

Agent: What are you talking about?

ER: Well I was just reading on the computer that I'm not hosting the Academy Awards. Why is that?

Agent: Well they decided to go with James Franco and Anne Hathaway.

Eric: The kids from October Sky?

Agent: Oh boy. Here we go again.

ER: What?

Agent: Those two weren't even in October Sky. It seems like half of the times you call me you want to discuss October Sky.

ER: Well why wouldn't I? It's a damn fine movie. I get so snotted up whenever I watch it.

Agent: I know.

ER: Were you ever able to sell the sequel script that I wrote?

Agent: For the last time, Eric, no one seems to be interested in 'November Nights.'

ER: I don't see why not.

Agent: Well, first of all, no one really wants to see a movie about, "A man's struggles with the month of November in Coaltown, USA 1972."

ER: It took me six weeks to think of that tagline.

Agent: Yes, but it doesn't mean anything.

ER: It means that I hate November. 1972 was a whole year of Novembers for me.

Agent: See, like that right there, what you just said. It makes no sense.

ER: Yeah, but the main character is tops. You can't deny that.

Agent: Merrick Robertson? All he does is quote lines from the movie Entrapment, which I might add, was still 27 years away from its release date in 1972.

ER: Merrick was ahead of his time.

Agent: Is this the same Merrick who called cars "demons?"

ER: You just don't understand symbolism. The cars represent November personified as cars. Gets the snot turnin' in your brain when you think about it, you know? But anyway, though, the Oscars. I want to host them.

Agent: It's too late for that.

ER: How about this - what if I co-host them with Mercedes Ruehl?

Agent: Mercedes Ruehl?

ER: That's right. Did you ever notice that we kinda look exactly alike? That's the opening number right there. We can sing a song about how she's the man-me and I'm the lady-her. Then throughout the telecast we can keep referencing how we kinda look like the other-us and there can be a dance number where we both dress up as me and dance with mirrors. There should also be an artist on stage who draws our identical facial expressions for the whole show. At the end of the night we can have like a thousand portraits of us that we can sell to the audience. For the grand finale, I propose that we both shave our heads, grab a gun, and run into the special fun house full of wacky mirrors that they built especially for this occasion. Whoever shoots the other one wins a lifetime achievement Oscar. If we both survive, then I propose we remake Face/Off.

Agent: Yeah . . . um, ok. I'll ask them about it first thing in the morning. I really have to go now, Eric.

ER: Hold on. Tell them that I require plenty of grapes. Green ones. I assume Mercedes will need the same, but make sure that I have slightly more grapes than her.

Agent hangs up

ER: I really think this is a good idea. Before you go, I have a story I want to tell you:

I knew this guy once who went to college, named Dan. Dan was from Denver, Colorado. I called him Danver. Anyway, one day we were walking down a street in the city and we saw this woman passing out flyers for some psychic reading place that also sold plants. Green ones. I forget what the name was, but when we passed by, Dan the Manver asked this lady for one of the flyers. She gave him one and we kept walking. About two blocks later I looked over at Danver Bronco and asked him, "hey, do you ever intend on going into that place?" He stopped in his tracks, turned to me and said, "no, I never intend on going into that place." We then went to a frame shoppe and had that flyer framed. I never saw Danver again. We had some good times though. He bought me this watch. Hello? You're a good dude, man. Remember that. MERRICK OUT!!!

For a longer look, go to

November 29, 2010

Awaiting On You All

George Harrison died nine years ago today. Here are five videos.

I have a feeling you might being seeing a snippet of this scene come next season of Mad Men:

And let's not forget that he's responsible for funding the funniest movie of all time (which, again, you'll probably see come next Mad Men season):


Paul Crying:

Greatest video/song ever?

For a longer look, go to

November 26, 2010

The Jeff Goldblum of the Week Award (11/22-11/26)

And the Weekly Jeff Goldblum of the Week Award, a weekly award that will go to the person, animal, or anything else that best exemplifies the awesomeness of Jeff Goldblum that week, goes to.......

..........Jay-Z's paint sweater!!!

This past week Jay-Z was a guest on The Daily Show to promote his new memoir, Decoded (which most likely samples more recognizable storylines from other memoirs). While on the show, Jay-Z wore a sweater that looked like someone painted all over it right before he went on stage.

Because we do all of our homework here at On the Next Mad Men, we've obtained this exclusive footage of how Jay-Z got the paint on his sweater:

It doesn't stop there though. Earlier in the day, during a lunch date, Jay-Z also had to impersonate a waiter in order to get drinks:

It gets even more embarrassing though because even earlier that afternoon he had to crash a wedding:

Now the wedding crashing wasn't even the worst part of his day. While running late for an early morning meeting, he boxed in some poor woman with his car:

Ok, that's all I got.

For a longer look, go to

November 24, 2010

Taxi HD

Every conversation about the history of film begins and ends with what might be the greatest and most legendary example of the medium of all time: 2004's Taxi. Queen Latifah and Jimmy Fallon star in this gritty comedy/drama/musical/docu-fish-out-of-water-story as a taxi driver and cop who have to capture Gisele, the supermodel lady. It was a story of the times that needed to be told and I think we can all agree to be happy that it both was told and shown to us in the jazziest way possible by acclaimed director, Tim Story(teller, Awesome Q.).

Anyway, like I do on most Monday nights at around 2:30am, I went looking through my onDemand to see if I should be so lucky to find this cinematic gem and watch it for what now would be the 815th time. I found it there like I always do, but this time things felt different. Imagine my surprise when I realized that Awesome Q. Tim Storyteller made a secret sequel (or secret sequel) to this movie and released it to xfinity onDemand for a one time only viewing at 2:29am late Monday night/early Tuesday morning. I'd call it a gift from the gods, but I don't want to worship any false idols lest Awesome Q. Tim Storyteller strike me where I lean. I know you probably don't believe any of this, so I offer you proof in picture form:

And now for the synopsis.

Released in the year 200, Taxi HD stars rapper-star, Latifah Queen and late night funnyman, Jimmy Fallen. In this movie, Latifah's character says, walks, and does everything backwardsly (including some timely rapping), while Fallen's corrupt cop character deals with his inner turmoil and does lots of drugs and falls down a lot and stuff when he isn't hosting a talk show. It's an even grittier drama-fest than the real Taxi movie. Gisele is still in this alternate version of the original film classic, but this time she plays the same exact character that she played in the other one. This is my favorite movie of all time and God and the Bible.

Here's the video from Latifah Queen that they kept playing in the background throughout the whole movie:

And here's the late night comedy show that Jimmy Fallen would be hosting in every scene where he wasn't drug-copping:

For a longer look, go to

November 23, 2010

Despite All My Rage I'm Still Just Nicolas Cage

Seeing as how this is a holiday week, posting from me will be light. It doesn't get much lighter than this:

I wish more than anything on Earth that I made this video.

For a longer look, go to

November 19, 2010

The Jeff Goldblum of the Week Award (11/15-11/19)

And the Weekly Jeff Goldblum of the Week Award, a weekly award that will go to the person, animal, or anything else that best exemplifies the awesomeness of Jeff Goldblum that week, goes to.......

..........Michael Jackson from the 2002 MTV VMAs!!!

In the toughest matchup so far, Michael Jackson's legendary, but nearly forgotten display of weirdness from an award show eight years ago edged out Harrison Ford's extreme drunkenness from this past Monday's episode of Conan.

To set up the scene from 2002, MTV decided to wish Michael Jackson happy birthday with a cake presented to him from someone who looks like some better version of Britney Spears. Mr. Jackson, who is now dead or something (when did that happen?), mistakenly thought that he was being awarded the Artist of the Millennium Award, which (despite my fancy capitalization) doesn't exist. To be fair though, every time I'm presented with a cake, I think the same thing. As you could imagine, hilarity then ensues, as does my favorite quote of all time which I say constantly and no one understands the reference:

"David Blaine, your magic is real and I believe in you."

So, Michael Jackson, congratulations on this VERY REAL award that you are receiving right now. You've earned it. I only wish you could've stayed alive long enough to completely ignore it like the rest of the internet.

For a longer look, go to

November 17, 2010

Come and Watch Us Sing and Play!


Fresh off yesterday's news that The Beatles catalog is now available on iTunes, CDNOW is proud to announce that all 11 or whatever albums by The Monkees are now ready for you to purchase! It's days like these where we should all be proud to be Americans, even all of you non-Americans! Treasure this moment forever, folks!

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November 15, 2010

Say Hello to Hell

About two and a half years ago I noticed that youtube was severely lacking one of the best scenes from the movie, Tombstone, so I didn't the reasonable thing and decided to upload it myself. Well, since March of 2008, the following video has been my most viewed (sitting pretty at 118,000+) and it still gets commented on frequently. Watch the scene, you curs, and then read my favorite comments.

(I should mention that I'm pretty sure most people who commented think this is a documentary)

- i know its a movie but i still shit my pants

- Someone needs to send this to that New York Imam who threatened violence if we don't let the Mosque get built.

- Shame....You cant really get away with calling anyone a "cur" anymore....seems like it was so apropreate back in the day.

- say hello to hell

- I'm in southern Arizona. In some ways southern AZ hasn't changed a bit.

These days the Zetas and Sinaloas drug cartels are the "Cowboys Gang", and Joe Arpaio is the modern Kurt Russell/ Wyatt Earp. I could so picture him saying that to an illegal drug smuggler that he finds...

- wyyat erp was better

- Ike Clanton was a bastardly coward, a fucking pussy, and a miserable excuse of a man.

It was so satisfying hearing Wyatt's prophecy of doom in this scene. Brilliant acting by Kurt Russell.

- The only thing that sucks however is that Clanton actually had children whereas Wyatt didn't. So now... his great-grandchildren are famous and bad mouth Wyatt to eternity. Ya know... cause Wyatt was such the dastardly criminal.

- my favorite movie all time! (that and the lion king)

- i own a modern version of that gun he uses in this scene. damn thing kicks like a mule.

- Earps were a punk ass pimp crew!.. Used the badge to cover there crimes!!.. Just like Dub-ya Bushy today!

- I want to enforce the law like him, but, on the other hand, I wouldn't mind having a mustache like him.

- Stephen Lang: A terrific cur.

- Hooowee! Look at them eyes! He's really pee'd off! If I was Ike Clayton staring up right into those double barrels, I would be pissin' a river and dumping a mother load of home-made bricks!

- the updated version of that would be: I see a turben, I kill the Muslim wearing it!!!

- We needed Wyatt Earp as President when 9/11 happened. this war would be over by now. unfortunately, his kind doesn't exist anymore.


Are you from US?

God bless you, my son. Goooooood bless you, jajajajaajajajajajaa

- If George W. would've taken this stance and killed the true culprits of 9/11, he would've killed himself after killing all the other corrupt people that our government are no more than paid muscle for.

- Holy shit!

Best western ever.

- fail.

For a longer look, go to

November 12, 2010

The Jeff Goldblum of the Week Award (11/08-11/12)

And the Weekly Jeff Goldblum of the Week Award, a weekly award that will go to the person, animal, or anything else that best exemplifies the awesomeness of Jeff Goldblum that week, goes to.......

..........Jeff Goldblum!

That was only half of the interview but if that didn't convince you (in case the 2nd video doesn't work):

For a longer look, go to