And the Weekly Jeff Goldblum of the Week Award, a weekly award that will go to the person, animal, or anything else that best exemplifies the awesomeness of Jeff Goldblum that week, goes to......
......armless wonder, Aron Ralston!
Earlier this week a story hit the internet about how two Oklahoma women attempted to steal $26,000 worth of TJ Maxx merchandise by stuffing it in their body fat. Well, what you didn't hear about this modern day Fat Bonnie and Slightly Fatter Bonnie was that Aron Ralston (seen below terrifying small Jewish children) was the one who captured them.
For those of you who don't know Aron Ralston, he's the man who famously got caught beneath a boulder and had to cut his own arm off to save his life. His heroic story inspired the film, 127 Hours, which is now playing and causing people all over the country to faint and vomit all over the place. Here is a picture of Ralston with the star of 127 Hours (as well as the upcoming sequel to October Sky called November Nights), James Franco.
It is right now that I'd like to warn those people out there who did actually get sick while watching those scenes in 127 Hours, because the story of how he captured the Fat Roll Thieves is quite possibly more disgusting.
Aron Ralston was in Aisle 8 of TJ Maxx looking for a nice pair of Isotoner Glove when he noticed Shmeco Thomas stuffing a pair of boots into her fleshy torso. Once Ralston realized that something bigger was at play, he snuck up behind Shmeco and reached for one of the boots being placed into her back fat. It was at this time that Shmeco released her fat and it came flying down, trapping Ralston's remaining left arm inside of the thief. Despite Ralston's pleas and constant wriggling, Shmeco went about her business stuffing more items into herself without even noticing that a one-armed man was trapped inside of her.
After around 25 minutes of trying to break free, Ralston decided once again that the only way he'd both survive this ordeal and capture this boulder of a thief was to bite off his remaining arm. It took almost the whole afternoon, but this is exactly what Ralston was able to accomplish right as Shmeco and her accomplice, Ailene Brown, got back to the parking lot and removed their tandem motorcycles hidden inside their upper thighs.
Unfortunately for Aron Ralston, his arm was crushed so badly that they weren't able to reattach it to his body. As a consolation prize, TJ Maxx let him keep the surprisingly resilient pair of boots wedged into Shmeco's back fat, as well as the left-handed Isostoner glove that Ralston intended to buy, though he now has no use for it.
It's a sad, but once again heroic story for poor Aron Ralston. On the plus side, it looks like James Franco will be getting even more work as he will be reprising his role as Ralston in 2013's, 527 Pounds.
For a longer look, go to amctv.com.