I don't normally like to brag all the time when I'm bragging, but being such a super-famous internet star has set me up with some pretty sweet connections. Over the last two months, I've struck up some awesome relationships with a lot of the elite people of Hollywood who have been known to hear a grapevine or two or seven. One such connection (and the sauce you can have, but the source, she's-a-mine!) is in pretty deep with Eric Roberts and his circle and recently emailed me this transcript of a telephone conversation he had with his agent last week. The following is that transcript:
Eric Roberts: Pick up the da--
Agent: Hello? Who is this? How did you get this number?
ER: Cut the snot, man, it's ER.
Agent: Edward R. Murrow? Aren't you dead?
ER: No, Eric Roberts! Stop snotting my chain, man.
Agent: Oh, hi Eric. You know I'm a woman, so please stop calling me "man."
ER: Whatever, dude. It sounds like you don't even know who I am.
Agent: You're Emma Roberts' uncle. She's the daughter of your sister, Julia.
ER: No, I am her father. Emma is a normal name. Julia only names her kids after 1920s ice cream shoppe proprietors.
Agent: Of course. So what's up?
ER: Well, let's finally talk some business, or how you aren't getting me any. I'm sitting here watching Nikita on the UPW and I keep seeing some commercial for some movie I'm not in.
Agent: Yes, there are a lot of those.
ER: It's some movie called Skyline. I think it's about aliens, or the color blue or something, and people seem to be running all the time.
Agent: Yes, Skyline.
ER: Why am I not in this movie? I thought we set up a deal with SyFy so that I'm in all of their movies in this upcoming half-decade?
Agent: We did set up that deal, but Skyline is an actual major motion picture that will have a somewhat wide release.
ER: Are you snotting me? This is gonna be in theaters?! First of all, this whole "blue idea" has been done before, and people run in movies all the time. You don't see a lot of that on SyFy - where this movie belongs.
Agent: Actually, you were just in a SyFy movie with a lot of blue and running. It was called Sharktopus.
ER: I still haven't forgiven you for not getting me the part of Sharktopus. I was talking some snot with my boy, Mickey Rourke, and he said that I totally woulda been a better Sharktopus. I may not be able to swim, but I love sneaking up on boats. They coulda dealt with the whole tentacles thing in post.
Agent: You were perfect as the corrupt older guy in a position of power in Sharktopus. That's your thing.
ER: I know it's my thing. Do you mean to tell me that this character doesn't exist in Skyline? Also, I didn't see him in the commercial, but is Sharktopus in Skyline too?
Agent: No. Sadly, Sharktopus is dead.
ER: I wish you hadn't told me that.
ER: Anyway, I'm lookin' over the cast in this Blue Run movie and there's a bunch of terrible actors in this, though I do like the goatee guy from the Dexter Show.
Agent: David Zayas. I represent him. They really wanted someone who could wear a fedora moderately well. He held out, and they caved. Big get for me.
ER: You realize that I can wear a fedora, right?
Agent: Sure you can. They just look weird on top of leather faces.
ER: And who's this Romanian pirate looking guy?!
ER: He's like tall or something and I feel like I wanna hit him.
Agent: Oh, Eric Balfour?
ER: How does he smell Eric?
Agent: I'm assuming you meant, "spell?" The same as you.
ER: Can we sue him for that?
ER: I wanna sue the snot out of him for that!
Agent: We can't sue someone for having the same first name as you, Eric.
ER: But I'm older.
Agent: No one cares.
ER: I cares. It pisses the snot right on out of me. What's this coatrack been in?
Agent: He's been an annoying guest star on most shows in the past 15 years.
ER: He really needs to stop stealing my things. What about these chicks in this movie? Is that one a tranny?
Agent: No, but she plays one on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
ER: They gave a tranny a role in non-SyFy movie?!
Agent: You do realize that she's not a tranny and that some people find that word offensive, Eric?
ER: She's a tranny to me, and I could give two snots about what people find offensive or not. I'm offended I'm not in The Long Blue Run to the Horizon.
Agent: This movie really isn't as blue as you're making it out to be.
ER: TRUST ME. IT'S BLUE!!!
Agent: If you say so. I really have to go now.
ER: Hold on! Is that my boy, Donny Faison? We had a lot of fun on the set of Crash the TV Series together. Why couldn't he get me in this movie?
Agnet: Because you've never met, and you're once again confusing Donald Faison with Dennis Hopper, who is dead. Neither of them could've gotten you into Skyline.
ER: What the hell is Skyline?
Agent: The movie we've been talking about.
ER: I make my own skylines.
Agent: Um, ok. I'm going to hang up now.
Agent hangs up
ER: Funny story: I was once moderating a field trip - is moderating the word I want? Hmm, no. I think I want proctoring. Whatever, it's not important. Anyway, we were all on the bus about to leave and the bus driver turned around and winked at me. Knowing this was my signal, I stood up, turned around and said to the kids,
"Does anyone have to use the facilities? To urinate? No? Are you sure? Speak now, or forever hold your pee! Hahahahaha! Get it?"
I turned around and supposedly I was in some empty catering van the whole time. There was no bus driver, only a stack of napkins. Nice ones though. Kinda like, Vanity Fair ones I wanna say, but less gay. Did they name the magazine after the napkins? Still though, I invented that joke. Oh well. Hello? Are you still there? Man, I really need to get a new Asian. SHARKTOPUS OUT!!!
For a longer look, go to amctv.com