November 30, 2010

Oh, Eric Roberts (Volume II - Merrick Robertson)

As I've mentioned before, I have some pretty sweet connections who frequently hook me up with all of the latest Eric Roberts gossip. Rather than just keep it to myself, I like to do the world and favor and let them know what I know. It's only fair. Well, late last night I got yet another email from my Eric Roberts source of another transcript of a phone conversation he had with his agent yesterday afternoon. The following is that transcript:

Agent: Hello?

Eric Roberts: [sneezing]

Agent: Ow! Can you try not to sneeze into the phone please?

ER: Sorry, man. Aw snot! Look at all this snot! It's your boy, ER.

Agent: Hello, Eric.

ER: Hold on a secco, I gotta go find a jar.

Agent: A jar?

ER: Yeah, for the --

Agent: You know what? I don't want to know.

ER: Fair enough.

Agent: So, Eric, why are you calling me today?

ER: You know me too well, bro.

Agent: I'm still not a man, Eric, and I never guessed about why you're calling me. I only asked why you were.

ER: Yeah, but you knew I was calling you.

Agent: Only because you introduced yourself when you called. My caller ID would normally tell me who was calling, but your number changes every time you call.

ER: Well, the government.

Agent: 'The government' what?

ER: Exactly. They're always up in my snot, wanting to know my business.

Agent: I don't think that's true, Eric.

ER: Oh yeah? Then why are they sending me all of these news stories that taunt me?

Agent: What are you talking about?

ER: Well I was just reading on the computer that I'm not hosting the Academy Awards. Why is that?

Agent: Well they decided to go with James Franco and Anne Hathaway.

Eric: The kids from October Sky?

Agent: Oh boy. Here we go again.

ER: What?

Agent: Those two weren't even in October Sky. It seems like half of the times you call me you want to discuss October Sky.

ER: Well why wouldn't I? It's a damn fine movie. I get so snotted up whenever I watch it.

Agent: I know.

ER: Were you ever able to sell the sequel script that I wrote?

Agent: For the last time, Eric, no one seems to be interested in 'November Nights.'

ER: I don't see why not.

Agent: Well, first of all, no one really wants to see a movie about, "A man's struggles with the month of November in Coaltown, USA 1972."

ER: It took me six weeks to think of that tagline.

Agent: Yes, but it doesn't mean anything.

ER: It means that I hate November. 1972 was a whole year of Novembers for me.

Agent: See, like that right there, what you just said. It makes no sense.

ER: Yeah, but the main character is tops. You can't deny that.

Agent: Merrick Robertson? All he does is quote lines from the movie Entrapment, which I might add, was still 27 years away from its release date in 1972.

ER: Merrick was ahead of his time.

Agent: Is this the same Merrick who called cars "demons?"

ER: You just don't understand symbolism. The cars represent November personified as cars. Gets the snot turnin' in your brain when you think about it, you know? But anyway, though, the Oscars. I want to host them.

Agent: It's too late for that.

ER: How about this - what if I co-host them with Mercedes Ruehl?

Agent: Mercedes Ruehl?

ER: That's right. Did you ever notice that we kinda look exactly alike? That's the opening number right there. We can sing a song about how she's the man-me and I'm the lady-her. Then throughout the telecast we can keep referencing how we kinda look like the other-us and there can be a dance number where we both dress up as me and dance with mirrors. There should also be an artist on stage who draws our identical facial expressions for the whole show. At the end of the night we can have like a thousand portraits of us that we can sell to the audience. For the grand finale, I propose that we both shave our heads, grab a gun, and run into the special fun house full of wacky mirrors that they built especially for this occasion. Whoever shoots the other one wins a lifetime achievement Oscar. If we both survive, then I propose we remake Face/Off.

Agent: Yeah . . . um, ok. I'll ask them about it first thing in the morning. I really have to go now, Eric.

ER: Hold on. Tell them that I require plenty of grapes. Green ones. I assume Mercedes will need the same, but make sure that I have slightly more grapes than her.

Agent hangs up

ER: I really think this is a good idea. Before you go, I have a story I want to tell you:

I knew this guy once who went to college, named Dan. Dan was from Denver, Colorado. I called him Danver. Anyway, one day we were walking down a street in the city and we saw this woman passing out flyers for some psychic reading place that also sold plants. Green ones. I forget what the name was, but when we passed by, Dan the Manver asked this lady for one of the flyers. She gave him one and we kept walking. About two blocks later I looked over at Danver Bronco and asked him, "hey, do you ever intend on going into that place?" He stopped in his tracks, turned to me and said, "no, I never intend on going into that place." We then went to a frame shoppe and had that flyer framed. I never saw Danver again. We had some good times though. He bought me this watch. Hello? You're a good dude, man. Remember that. MERRICK OUT!!!

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November 29, 2010

Awaiting On You All

George Harrison died nine years ago today. Here are five videos.

I have a feeling you might being seeing a snippet of this scene come next season of Mad Men:

And let's not forget that he's responsible for funding the funniest movie of all time (which, again, you'll probably see come next Mad Men season):


Paul Crying:

Greatest video/song ever?

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November 26, 2010

The Jeff Goldblum of the Week Award (11/22-11/26)

And the Weekly Jeff Goldblum of the Week Award, a weekly award that will go to the person, animal, or anything else that best exemplifies the awesomeness of Jeff Goldblum that week, goes to.......

..........Jay-Z's paint sweater!!!

This past week Jay-Z was a guest on The Daily Show to promote his new memoir, Decoded (which most likely samples more recognizable storylines from other memoirs). While on the show, Jay-Z wore a sweater that looked like someone painted all over it right before he went on stage.

Because we do all of our homework here at On the Next Mad Men, we've obtained this exclusive footage of how Jay-Z got the paint on his sweater:

It doesn't stop there though. Earlier in the day, during a lunch date, Jay-Z also had to impersonate a waiter in order to get drinks:

It gets even more embarrassing though because even earlier that afternoon he had to crash a wedding:

Now the wedding crashing wasn't even the worst part of his day. While running late for an early morning meeting, he boxed in some poor woman with his car:

Ok, that's all I got.

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November 24, 2010

Taxi HD

Every conversation about the history of film begins and ends with what might be the greatest and most legendary example of the medium of all time: 2004's Taxi. Queen Latifah and Jimmy Fallon star in this gritty comedy/drama/musical/docu-fish-out-of-water-story as a taxi driver and cop who have to capture Gisele, the supermodel lady. It was a story of the times that needed to be told and I think we can all agree to be happy that it both was told and shown to us in the jazziest way possible by acclaimed director, Tim Story(teller, Awesome Q.).

Anyway, like I do on most Monday nights at around 2:30am, I went looking through my onDemand to see if I should be so lucky to find this cinematic gem and watch it for what now would be the 815th time. I found it there like I always do, but this time things felt different. Imagine my surprise when I realized that Awesome Q. Tim Storyteller made a secret sequel (or secret sequel) to this movie and released it to xfinity onDemand for a one time only viewing at 2:29am late Monday night/early Tuesday morning. I'd call it a gift from the gods, but I don't want to worship any false idols lest Awesome Q. Tim Storyteller strike me where I lean. I know you probably don't believe any of this, so I offer you proof in picture form:

And now for the synopsis.

Released in the year 200, Taxi HD stars rapper-star, Latifah Queen and late night funnyman, Jimmy Fallen. In this movie, Latifah's character says, walks, and does everything backwardsly (including some timely rapping), while Fallen's corrupt cop character deals with his inner turmoil and does lots of drugs and falls down a lot and stuff when he isn't hosting a talk show. It's an even grittier drama-fest than the real Taxi movie. Gisele is still in this alternate version of the original film classic, but this time she plays the same exact character that she played in the other one. This is my favorite movie of all time and God and the Bible.

Here's the video from Latifah Queen that they kept playing in the background throughout the whole movie:

And here's the late night comedy show that Jimmy Fallen would be hosting in every scene where he wasn't drug-copping:

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November 23, 2010

Despite All My Rage I'm Still Just Nicolas Cage

Seeing as how this is a holiday week, posting from me will be light. It doesn't get much lighter than this:

I wish more than anything on Earth that I made this video.

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November 19, 2010

The Jeff Goldblum of the Week Award (11/15-11/19)

And the Weekly Jeff Goldblum of the Week Award, a weekly award that will go to the person, animal, or anything else that best exemplifies the awesomeness of Jeff Goldblum that week, goes to.......

..........Michael Jackson from the 2002 MTV VMAs!!!

In the toughest matchup so far, Michael Jackson's legendary, but nearly forgotten display of weirdness from an award show eight years ago edged out Harrison Ford's extreme drunkenness from this past Monday's episode of Conan.

To set up the scene from 2002, MTV decided to wish Michael Jackson happy birthday with a cake presented to him from someone who looks like some better version of Britney Spears. Mr. Jackson, who is now dead or something (when did that happen?), mistakenly thought that he was being awarded the Artist of the Millennium Award, which (despite my fancy capitalization) doesn't exist. To be fair though, every time I'm presented with a cake, I think the same thing. As you could imagine, hilarity then ensues, as does my favorite quote of all time which I say constantly and no one understands the reference:

"David Blaine, your magic is real and I believe in you."

So, Michael Jackson, congratulations on this VERY REAL award that you are receiving right now. You've earned it. I only wish you could've stayed alive long enough to completely ignore it like the rest of the internet.

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November 17, 2010

Come and Watch Us Sing and Play!


Fresh off yesterday's news that The Beatles catalog is now available on iTunes, CDNOW is proud to announce that all 11 or whatever albums by The Monkees are now ready for you to purchase! It's days like these where we should all be proud to be Americans, even all of you non-Americans! Treasure this moment forever, folks!

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November 15, 2010

Say Hello to Hell

About two and a half years ago I noticed that youtube was severely lacking one of the best scenes from the movie, Tombstone, so I didn't the reasonable thing and decided to upload it myself. Well, since March of 2008, the following video has been my most viewed (sitting pretty at 118,000+) and it still gets commented on frequently. Watch the scene, you curs, and then read my favorite comments.

(I should mention that I'm pretty sure most people who commented think this is a documentary)

- i know its a movie but i still shit my pants

- Someone needs to send this to that New York Imam who threatened violence if we don't let the Mosque get built.

- Shame....You cant really get away with calling anyone a "cur" anymore....seems like it was so apropreate back in the day.

- say hello to hell

- I'm in southern Arizona. In some ways southern AZ hasn't changed a bit.

These days the Zetas and Sinaloas drug cartels are the "Cowboys Gang", and Joe Arpaio is the modern Kurt Russell/ Wyatt Earp. I could so picture him saying that to an illegal drug smuggler that he finds...

- wyyat erp was better

- Ike Clanton was a bastardly coward, a fucking pussy, and a miserable excuse of a man.

It was so satisfying hearing Wyatt's prophecy of doom in this scene. Brilliant acting by Kurt Russell.

- The only thing that sucks however is that Clanton actually had children whereas Wyatt didn't. So now... his great-grandchildren are famous and bad mouth Wyatt to eternity. Ya know... cause Wyatt was such the dastardly criminal.

- my favorite movie all time! (that and the lion king)

- i own a modern version of that gun he uses in this scene. damn thing kicks like a mule.

- Earps were a punk ass pimp crew!.. Used the badge to cover there crimes!!.. Just like Dub-ya Bushy today!

- I want to enforce the law like him, but, on the other hand, I wouldn't mind having a mustache like him.

- Stephen Lang: A terrific cur.

- Hooowee! Look at them eyes! He's really pee'd off! If I was Ike Clayton staring up right into those double barrels, I would be pissin' a river and dumping a mother load of home-made bricks!

- the updated version of that would be: I see a turben, I kill the Muslim wearing it!!!

- We needed Wyatt Earp as President when 9/11 happened. this war would be over by now. unfortunately, his kind doesn't exist anymore.


Are you from US?

God bless you, my son. Goooooood bless you, jajajajaajajajajajaa

- If George W. would've taken this stance and killed the true culprits of 9/11, he would've killed himself after killing all the other corrupt people that our government are no more than paid muscle for.

- Holy shit!

Best western ever.

- fail.

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November 12, 2010

The Jeff Goldblum of the Week Award (11/08-11/12)

And the Weekly Jeff Goldblum of the Week Award, a weekly award that will go to the person, animal, or anything else that best exemplifies the awesomeness of Jeff Goldblum that week, goes to.......

..........Jeff Goldblum!

That was only half of the interview but if that didn't convince you (in case the 2nd video doesn't work):

For a longer look, go to

November 10, 2010

My First Guess

Wheel of Fortune is just getting too easy these days.

Seriously though, I don't get what the big fuss is with what actually happened. I was able to solve it as quickly as she did. The truly impressive thing is that she had the balls to just guess it immediately. What else could it have been really? It took me all morning to come up with another phrase that's just as popular.

Anyway, this still remains the most improbable (and most hilarious) game show moment:

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November 9, 2010

Oh, Eric Roberts (Volume I - Blue Run)

I don't normally like to brag all the time when I'm bragging, but being such a super-famous internet star has set me up with some pretty sweet connections. Over the last two months, I've struck up some awesome relationships with a lot of the elite people of Hollywood who have been known to hear a grapevine or two or seven. One such connection (and the sauce you can have, but the source, she's-a-mine!) is in pretty deep with Eric Roberts and his circle and recently emailed me this transcript of a telephone conversation he had with his agent last week. The following is that transcript:

Eric Roberts: Pick up the da--

Agent: Hello? Who is this? How did you get this number?

ER: Cut the snot, man, it's ER.

Agent: Edward R. Murrow? Aren't you dead?

ER: No, Eric Roberts! Stop snotting my chain, man.

Agent: Oh, hi Eric. You know I'm a woman, so please stop calling me "man."

ER: Whatever, dude. It sounds like you don't even know who I am.

Agent: You're Emma Roberts' uncle. She's the daughter of your sister, Julia.

ER: No, I am her father. Emma is a normal name. Julia only names her kids after 1920s ice cream shoppe proprietors.

Agent: Of course. So what's up?

ER: Well, let's finally talk some business, or how you aren't getting me any. I'm sitting here watching Nikita on the UPW and I keep seeing some commercial for some movie I'm not in.

Agent: Yes, there are a lot of those.

ER: It's some movie called Skyline. I think it's about aliens, or the color blue or something, and people seem to be running all the time.

Agent: Yes, Skyline.

ER: Why am I not in this movie? I thought we set up a deal with SyFy so that I'm in all of their movies in this upcoming half-decade?

Agent: We did set up that deal, but Skyline is an actual major motion picture that will have a somewhat wide release.

ER: Are you snotting me? This is gonna be in theaters?! First of all, this whole "blue idea" has been done before, and people run in movies all the time. You don't see a lot of that on SyFy - where this movie belongs.

Agent: Actually, you were just in a SyFy movie with a lot of blue and running. It was called Sharktopus.

ER: I still haven't forgiven you for not getting me the part of Sharktopus. I was talking some snot with my boy, Mickey Rourke, and he said that I totally woulda been a better Sharktopus. I may not be able to swim, but I love sneaking up on boats. They coulda dealt with the whole tentacles thing in post.

Agent: You were perfect as the corrupt older guy in a position of power in Sharktopus. That's your thing.

ER: I know it's my thing. Do you mean to tell me that this character doesn't exist in Skyline? Also, I didn't see him in the commercial, but is Sharktopus in Skyline too?

Agent: No. Sadly, Sharktopus is dead.

ER: I wish you hadn't told me that.

Agent: Um...

ER: Anyway, I'm lookin' over the cast in this Blue Run movie and there's a bunch of terrible actors in this, though I do like the goatee guy from the Dexter Show.

Agent: David Zayas. I represent him. They really wanted someone who could wear a fedora moderately well. He held out, and they caved. Big get for me.

ER: You realize that I can wear a fedora, right?

Agent: Sure you can. They just look weird on top of leather faces.

ER: And who's this Romanian pirate looking guy?!

Agent: Who?

ER: He's like tall or something and I feel like I wanna hit him.

Agent: Oh, Eric Balfour?

ER: How does he smell Eric?

Agent: I'm assuming you meant, "spell?" The same as you.

ER: Can we sue him for that?

Agnet: Nope.

ER: I wanna sue the snot out of him for that!

Agent: We can't sue someone for having the same first name as you, Eric.

ER: But I'm older.

Agent: No one cares.

ER: I cares. It pisses the snot right on out of me. What's this coatrack been in?

Agent: He's been an annoying guest star on most shows in the past 15 years.

ER: He really needs to stop stealing my things. What about these chicks in this movie? Is that one a tranny?

Agent: No, but she plays one on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

ER: They gave a tranny a role in non-SyFy movie?!

Agent: You do realize that she's not a tranny and that some people find that word offensive, Eric?

ER: She's a tranny to me, and I could give two snots about what people find offensive or not. I'm offended I'm not in The Long Blue Run to the Horizon.

Agent: This movie really isn't as blue as you're making it out to be.


Agent: If you say so. I really have to go now.

ER: Hold on! Is that my boy, Donny Faison? We had a lot of fun on the set of Crash the TV Series together. Why couldn't he get me in this movie?

Agnet: Because you've never met, and you're once again confusing Donald Faison with Dennis Hopper, who is dead. Neither of them could've gotten you into Skyline.

ER: What the hell is Skyline?

Agent: The movie we've been talking about.

ER: I make my own skylines.

Agent: Um, ok. I'm going to hang up now.

Agent hangs up

ER: Funny story: I was once moderating a field trip - is moderating the word I want? Hmm, no. I think I want proctoring. Whatever, it's not important. Anyway, we were all on the bus about to leave and the bus driver turned around and winked at me. Knowing this was my signal, I stood up, turned around and said to the kids,

"Does anyone have to use the facilities? To urinate? No? Are you sure? Speak now, or forever hold your pee! Hahahahaha! Get it?"

I turned around and supposedly I was in some empty catering van the whole time. There was no bus driver, only a stack of napkins. Nice ones though. Kinda like, Vanity Fair ones I wanna say, but less gay. Did they name the magazine after the napkins? Still though, I invented that joke. Oh well. Hello? Are you still there? Man, I really need to get a new Asian. SHARKTOPUS OUT!!!

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November 8, 2010

The Coming Storm

This was brought to my attention recently. Boy can these kids sing!

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November 2, 2010

Still A. Rise

The Stephen A. Smith Heckling Society of Gentlemen are friends of ours here at OTNMM (remember?) and today they came out of retirement with this perfect parody of the new LeBron James Nike commercial.

It's like someone found a new John Lennon song featuring 2Pac. Enjoy: