October 22, 2010

Nicolas Cage is an Honorable Dude

Though it wasn't shown through any of our previews, we here at On the Next Mad Men are huuuuge Nicolas Cage fans. Some wise man once called him the "greatest actor of this or any generation," and I dare any of you out there in radioland to prove that wise man wrong.

Recently (or yesterday, or whenever), Cage made a speech about how he hates organized crime or something, and how he plans to defeat it. You can watch a clip right here (take note of how great Nic is with a pair of scissors).

Unfortunately, the clip cuts off after a minute or so, but here is the remainder of his speech:

"Once, I even saw a man be forced to wear a MASK that the bad dudes went on to fill up with bees. Even though this man in the bee mask was probably not allergic to bees, I have it on good authority that THIS MAN HATED BEES! You don't need to be allergic to bees to hate them - they're a lot like tomatoes in that sense.

Anyway, I have three WORLD SHATTERING IDEAS on how we can bring down this terrible plague of organized crime with my help. Idea One: we somehow obtain a crime boss and perform some sort of surgery where I SWITCH FACES with this man and assume his role as Boss. I've seen this plan work once. I call it "The Great Face Switcharoo!" It's a guaranteed success.

If that plan fails somehow, then I propose to you Idea Two, where I, with the help of a fake daughter I've rented, dress up as superheroes and become AWESOME SUPERSTARS who have great knowledge and skill when it comes to knives and guns (potentially throwing stars as well, but let's not get ahead of ourselves) and we take out all the world's bad dudes through fast-paced editing and energy drinks. I call this plan, "Hey Bad Dudes - Watch Out, Bad Dudes!" A catchy title, no doubt.

In the rare occurrence where both of these foolproof plans somehow fail, then the only option left is Idea Three. Idea Three consists of me infiltrating a crime syndicate from the inside out. I plan to befriend a lower level bad dude, and become his friend. Once he trusts me enough (which, come on, shouldn't take too long) I will be introduced to the rest of the organization and TAKE THEM DOWN. I know that you're thinking that you've heard this idea before and that it is in no way GROUND OR WORLD SHATTERING, but the twist here is that this whole time I will be dressed in a bear costume. Evil dudes trust bears. It's just a fact. Once I'm on the inside, I will twist things on them and slowly claw them to death or sit on them. The only thing here though is that come winter I will have to take a really long nap, so we should start this plan in the summer or late spring for it to be truly authentic. I call this plan, "Bear Plan."

So with my help, we can all make this world a little less Bangkok Dangerous.

This is Nicolas Cage signing off.

Nicolas Cage"

For a longer look go to amctv.com.

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